my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.