*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
You Might Also Like
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
…żyje?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
set yourself free xox
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point