I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.