Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team