PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
got so much cardio in today
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.