Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Morning my dudes.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur