WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
.. do you even science?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]