I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”