*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”