wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Encore…
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Looking at you, Jesus.