GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Smells like a challenge to me
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!