🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.