I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
how many bears make up a bear minimum
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]