playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
😅🤣😂
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.