When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog