[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!