Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.