Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.