Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.