[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
God has abandoned us.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”