how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.