Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
You Might Also Like
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding