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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
One venti cheeseburger please.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.