*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
had to share :’)
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.