“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
When someone says you are so lazy
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.