Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
i have one speed and it’s mosey
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Facebook marketplace is a different world