My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*