Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁