[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.