My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed