“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things