Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.