Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
You Might Also Like
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’