I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
You Might Also Like
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*