[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
channeling her this year
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*