No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place