I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.