If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart