Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
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me when I see my crush
I’d rather fork than spoon.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling