when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Fidel Castro was alive?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not