I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
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Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber