So that’s what we looked like?
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me trying to “trust the process”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people