[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
set yourself free xox
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.