Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
You Might Also Like
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I…do not understand how electricity works.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Note to self: I am a note
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?