Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes