Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.