27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
No, he would not have.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait