I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
english majors be like furthermore
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*