Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.