me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
You Might Also Like
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
FINE, I WON’T.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.